Oppa Gangnam Style Baby

This came from Facebook. It slays me every time.

Tragedy of Investment Bankers

There was this investment banker who decided to sink part of his bonus into the acquisition of a large executive jet. On the day of purchase he invited 26 of his colleagues, investment bankers all, to come with him on a joyride. Taking off was a doddle, but he had not anticipated the complexities of cloud, altitude etc. and as a consequence they all died instantly when he crashed into the side of a mountain.

Soon after, St Peter heard prolonged knocking and ringing at the Pearly Gates, and opened them cautiously.

The ex-owner of the jet said "AK yah, we've had a bit of a mishap with a mountain, and we'd like to come in. We're investment bankers, and we're loaded. If possible, we would like the 76 virgins package".

Peter was not sure about this, said Heaven was a bit full at the moment, and asked them to wait while he checked with the Almighty.

He came into the Presence, and said "O God, there are 27 investment bankers at the gate, wanting in".

God said, "Oh God", and stroked his beard. Not wanting to appear unmerciful, he said, "Let five of them in, and tell the others to go to Hell."

Peter bowed, and left. A few minutes later (metaphorically speaking, since there is no actual time in Heaven) he returned looking flustered. "They've gone!" he said.

"What, all of them?" said God.

"Not the bankers", said Peter, "the Gates".

Incident Action Plan

Ghostly car story

This is true story, or so I am told:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John B., a [location deleted] student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see even a few feet ahead of him.
Eventually he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopping.
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.  John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.  Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car arrived at the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Paralyzed with terror, John watched the hand, but it didn't touch or harm him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear a little further down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.  Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.  Like John , they were also soaked and out of breath. Looking round and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other ....

"Look [name deleted], there's that idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

Marc Roberts for Cartoonist Laureate

This is from Marc Roberts who is a cartoonist genius and lives here.

He should in fact be made Cartoonist Laureate. But there is no point in petitioning No 10 for that to happen, as it is an Impossibility.

State Opening of the 2012 Olympics: Proposal to Boris Johnson

To : The Mayor of London
Boris Johnson

Dear Boris

I have a helpful suggestion for you, that will save you a lot of money and anxiety. You are going to like it.

It is about the Opening Ceremony for the London Olympics 2012. China is a hard act to follow, with their massive fireworks and computer graphics &c. We are not going to be in the same league, and also, as a Conservative, you will be looking to reduce the budget deficit wherever possible.

So here is my very helpful suggestion. Forget fireworks, because the Chinese invented fireworks, along with paper, the hang glider and an Encyclopedia Britannica of other things) because any display that we put up will be a damp squib (excuse the pun) in comparison with their effort. Forget huge displays of synchronised dancers with flags, because the Chinese outnumber us by 1000:1, and also the British are not so easily dragooned into uniform activities.

We need an opening ceremony that is (a) quintessentially British, and (b) cheap as chips. I am sure that your desk is piled high with expensive consultant reports telling exactly the same thing.

Well, I have the answer that you have been searching for.
It is...(drum roll)

A State Opening of the Olympics
Yes, you heard me right. A State Opening of the Olympics. As in "State Opening of Parliament". As in Golden Carriage, HM the Q, waving, Prince Phillip, perhaps with a shotgun (not loaded), the Royal Family, Horse Guards, Bearskins, Busbies, the lot. The full Monty. People will love it. Tourists will love it - they cross the globe to see the Horse Guards, they buy postcards of horseguards by the tonne. (Sorry, ton). Boris, you cannot go wrong with this one. We have all the gear, the carriage, the horses, the Grenadiers, the lot. All packed neatly away in the Quartermaster's stores. Get them out, quick dust down, quick rehearsal, you're ready to roll.


And the beauty of it is - that's not all.

You can follow up the Royal Procession with a Demotic Procession of other exemplars of Britishness. The only limit is the imagination.  Pearly Kings, non-bendy London buses, you name it.  I can see a squad of football supporters, selected for the uniform rotundity of their beer belly, wearing Union flag t-shirts, or maybe stripped to the waist. They will be happy to do it for a few free cans. They could even be doing that trick where they get a plastic washing-up bowl to stick to their bellies, you must have seen that? Anyway, I leave the details to you, or rather, to your team.  The football hooligans fans could be followed by a bevy of bare-midriff young ladies, all half-cut, teetering on or carrying their high heels.


I hope I have given you enough of my vision here to whet your appetite for  a truly British, yet low-budget, State Opening of the Olympics.


Naturally, this proposal, to be truly valuable, needs to the subject of appropriate remuneration. "Nothing", as King Lear so rightly said, "comes of nothing". I am not a banker, not a greedy man, but neither am I a pushover. Let us take the £400,000 cost of the Lisa Simpson 2010 logo as a starting point for our negotiations.


I look forward to hearing from you.


Yours sincerely


(Dr) Richard Lawson


PS when are you going to do HIGNFY again? You were good.
PPS I noticed on my last visit, that despite Transport for London giving a ludicrous reason to block my "Keep Left on the Walkways" proposal, that Londoners are now indeed tending to walk on the left in the passages of the Underground, which is improving the flow of pedestrians immeasurably.

---------------------------------
[update 23 March
I have just received a nice letter from Lucy Brant, Public Liaison officer for the GLA. She says:
"You have clearly given the matter a great deal of thought and we thank you for sending us your suggestions. the London Organising committee for the Olympic and Paralympic games are the body responsible for the opening ...ceremonies and would be in a better position &c, suggest you contact them directly"


So I will. Watch this space.]

I've never voted Tory before...

More gratitude to andybarefoot

Banker in accident shock

A banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The banker looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

Make your own Conservative poster

I made this poster.
You can do one of your own here.

See more results here. (Madeoilarf)
And then there's this

Haiti and Bankers' Bonuses - Martin Rowson Cartoon

Copyright Martin Rowson
Click for full picture
No comment

There is an amazing suite of photos of Haiti in the Los Angeles Times here.

No grit? No Probs!

Seasonal picture from ThereIFixedIt.com.
Well worth wasting some time on, viewing numerous other creative workarounds.

Proof that climate change denial is not funny

How many AGW deniers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because there is no proof that the lightbulb needs to be changed. It might be a power cut, or a wiring fault, and in any case those new commie low energy lightbulbs contain mercury and osmium and kryptonium and they cost a lot and what about the jobs in the tungsten filament industry and they are really expensive and the old ones warm up the room and anyway we should be free to waste our money if we want to and so on ad infinitum.

Why did the climate change denier cross the road?

Because he thought he could get across before the car got to him and anyway he didn't hear it coming and there aren't many cars on that road normally, and anyway he had private health insurance.

How do you tell if there is a climate change denier in your fridge?

Because you can hear him mumbling about how cold it is, which proves that man-made global warming is a huge fraud conspiracy on the part of Al Gore so that he can get rich.

Click here if you are looking for proof that man-made emissions are producing climate change.

Intensive Internet Activity

HT to XKCD

This is very true for me at the moment.
Unfortunately.

Text messaging: a eulogy

Text Please!


Don't you just love to text?
Only morons in shacks
fiddle round with a fax.

The ultimate fix
is here with a mix
of the phone and the clicks
on a back-lighted pad
that predicts and corrects
not to mention spell checks.

It's not just a fad
it's a leap for mankind.

You would find
that if Oedipus Rex
had been able to text
he'd have foiled the hex
that blighted his mind
and rendered him blind.

We can message at random
with merry abandon.
You know Posh and Becks?
I could send them a text,
‘cept they're probably ex-
-directory, to avoid being vexed
with millions of texts.


The effects can be mixed:
though your digits get slick
it don't get us fit
‘cos your pecs don’t get flexed
while we sit on our bums
just twiddling our thumbs
updating our chums.

But who cares? I just love it.
If you don’t, then shove it.
If you think you’re above it
no camera detects
your refusal to text
there’s no law (Latin: “Lex”)
to insist that you do.
It’s just up to you.
Don't want to? That's fine
It's your loss, not mine.

But to us addicts of text
it’s much better than sex.

© Richard Lawson
October 5, 2009

Amazing manifestation of Elephant on Ryvita

Aided by the eye of faith, astonished readers of the Mabinogogiblog are treated to the miraculous appearance of an elephant on this piece of Ryvita.

Awestruck viewers will be astonished to learn that there was no conscious effort to depict said pachyderm. In fact, the owner of the Ryvita has never been schooled in butter art, and his only comment was that it provided a pleasant snack with a thin overlay of Marmite that added nothing to its artistic merit.

Experts in the field of miraculous images in food believe that this is a thought-form manifested by the frequent references to Elephant-in-the-room, relating to the fact that obvious solutions to common political problems are often not addressed by the political establishment - the most notable current example being the failure to purchase the Afghan opium crop and put it to medical use.

Don't Worry, be Happy

(Thanks to Atlantic Wine Merchants for the image, and to MamaBritton for passing the text along)













Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

*The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

Parrot psychiatrist - or psychotherapist?

On a walk the other day, we got onto the subject of birdsong, then birds, and then I mentioned that a friend of mine is a parrot psychiatrist.

Jossie was a bit far behind, and only picked up on the "parrot psychiatrist" bit. She expressed surprise that a parrot could be a psychiatrist. Parrots are very bright, and a properly trained parrot could respond with 90% accuracy to a request to pick out a "Blue paper square" from a table covered with shapes of many colours and materials, but a psychiatrist has to have medical training...

After general discussion, we all agreed that probably it would be not advisable for a parrot to set out to be a psychiatrist, but that to a Rogerian psychotherapist would be an attainable goal, well within the vocabulary of a well trained parrot.

"Hello, How are you feeling today?"
"I'm sorry. What do you want to do about that?"
"No, I cannot answer for you. What do you want to do about it?"
"And how did that make you feel?"
"See you same time next week"

The Art of the Spin Doctor

Thanks to Ricky Knight for passing this along

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher,
discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus
Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in
Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph in Mrs. Wallman's
possession, of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription:

'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887,
robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'


Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for information about her
great-great uncle.




Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch :


'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana
railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour,
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'




Alistair Cambell, eat your heart out.

The Noble Lord, Lord Lawlor lauds the law.

The Noble Lord, Lord Lawlor lauds the law.
He holds it vastly better than the law that held before.
He likes the lift in income for the rich across the board.
In many ways a modest, almost trivial award,
And he likes the Lamborghini that his lad can now afford. (Haw haw)
The Noble Lord, Lord Lawlor lauds the law.


The Noble Lord, Lord Lawlor lauds the law.
In his view far superior than the laws that hold abroad
As for the lower orders, well he really was appalled
That anyone should cavil at what was after all
A just remuneration, not a licence to defraud.
The Noble Lord, Lord Lawlor lauds the law.

(c) R Lawson 24.3.09

PS To any non-English reading this, I have to explain, with a touch of embarrassment,that this is how the occupants of the House of lords, which, seriously, is a non-elected part of Government in the benighted United Kingdom (yes, why is that not United Queendom?). There should be a special name for democracy in Britain: Charade Democracy.

Is the game up for climate change skeptics?

Sponsored by the free market fundamentalist Heartland Institute, up to 600 elderly men gathered at the 2009 International Conference on Climate Change to refresh their convictions that the International Panel on Climate Change is wrong, and that they are right.

The keynote address was delivered by "Lord" Christopher Monckton. He begins:

"Where are they all today, those bed-wetting moaning Minnies of the Apocalyptic Traffic-Light Tendency--those Greens too yellow to admit they’re really Reds?"

Such a well argued question clearly demands a response. They are to be found here, if it please your lordship, and their conclusions are here.

More to the point for the Noble Lord, Lord Monckton is, where are they today, those doughty sceptics of received scientific "wisdom", the Flat Earth Research Society? Their present location is not certain, but their arguments are set out as clearly as those of the climate change sckepticks, in this location here. The climate change denialists (preferable term, as some self-styled english speakers have such trouble spelling "sceptic") would be well advised to contact the rump of flat earthers as fertile recruiting ground since they are going to need recruits in a few years' time. Maybe they should contact the Immortalists while they are at it, given the advancing age of International Conference on Climate Change attendees...

The last few months have not been kind to the climate change sckepticks. "large corporations like Exxon Mobil, which in the past financed the Heartland Institute and other groups that challenged the climate consensus, have reduced support. Many such companies no longer dispute that the greenhouse gases produced by burning fossil fuels pose risks.

From 1998 to 2006, Exxon Mobil, for example, contributed more than $600,000 to Heartland, according to annual reports of charitable contributions from the company and company foundations.

Alan T. Jeffers, a spokesman for Exxon Mobil, said by e-mail that the company had ended support “to several public policy research groups whose position on climate change could divert attention from the important discussion about how the world will secure the energy required for economic growth in an environmentally responsible manner.”

To round off their unhappiness, Al Gore, still in control of his bladder despite months of name calling activities on the part of the AGW-septics, is delivering a non-moaning, up-beat message, arguing that a political tipping point is about to happen, with a massive global effort to decarbonise the economy.

This is not to say that we should not seek out and contradict influential septicks like Melanie Phillips and Christopher Hitchens.

Just copy and paste the following into their comment slots. It doesn't take more than a few seconds, and it can help save humanity:


In the end, this is not an academic debate, because we and our children are part of the experiment. The consensus among scientists (yes, with a few exceptions, as is always the case in science) that we should decarbonise our economy as a matter of urgency.

Say we decarbonise our economy, and it turns out that AGW theory is wrong? Well, we will have created hundreds of thousands of jobs in insulation and manufacturing and taken thousands out of fuel poverty. Not bad, but that's not all. We will also have reduced the shock of Peak Oil and Peak Gas. And addressed our energy security problems. And prosperity in hot countries. Not bad.

Say we go the way of the denialists/sceptics? We will have problems with energy security, Peak Oil, Peak Gas, fuel poverty, unemployment, poverty, civil unrest and finally, massive, catastrophic climate disruption from droughts, floods, crop failures, disease, and war. With massive migration caused by environmental collapse. Not good.

If I were a betting man, I would put my money on decarbonising the global economy.

I'm sure Pascal would agree.