Thursday, December 23, 2004

Baby Jesus Bunny in the Headlights of Santa's Slay

Father Christmas is driving a great shiny green SUV well over the speed limit and I am a baby rabbit immobilised in his track, paralysed with fear. With me is baby Jesus and Santa is going to get us both, we will go pop like a brace of pigeons under a lorry as the great Xmas tyres compress our ribcages, bulging our eyes out and then blood everywhere turns into berries on the green holly paint of his SUV motorised sleigh. Rudolph is on top of the sleigh, head lolling upside down, blood dripping from his nostrils.

The angels told the shepherds, who do not watch sheep in December in Palestine, that Baby Jesus was a liberator but not literally from the Romans, we should pay taxes to Caesar which includes joining in the consumption-fest unless you want to be a kill-joy. And we should render unto God what is God's, although nobody is quite sure what that should be apart from the obvious which is that we should be a bit nicer to each other, taken for granted that, no problem, I'm nice to everyone, it's them who have the problem, nowaddimean, but then what? Should we kill the unbeliever, or tolerate him/her?

Let us rephrase that, because toleration is weakness: when should we kill the unbeliever? Right now simply because s/he is an unbeliever, or later when they threaten us with WMD which they are not allowed to have although we have them but that is different because we had them first and we are Responsible and we have white skins (although the Chinese can get a bit brown in the sun, but then so can we). And anyone who has WMD must be Responsible because they get to sit on the Security Council, and anyone who has no WMD must be Irresponsible even to think about wanting to have them.

Anyway, back to Baby Jesus. Herod wanted to kill him because Baby Jesus was a Threat so he killed all the baby boys which was just Collateral Damage no blame there then. It was a pre-emptive strike against the Baby Jesus Terror Threat which would have destroyed Civilisation As We Know It. The Wise Men were Magi not Magicians because Magic is a thing of the Devil and so is the Easter Bunny because that was a Celtic Easter Hare God associated with Cerridwen and Beltane nothing to do with the midwinter Solistice.

So have a happy turn of the year. Don't worry, you don't have to break the bank and get hung over, the sun will get warm again all by itself. And rabbits get run over every day, that's life. Too many of them anyway. Pests, brought over by the Romans.

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