State Opening of the 2012 Olympics: Proposal to Boris Johnson

To : The Mayor of London
Boris Johnson

Dear Boris

I have a helpful suggestion for you, that will save you a lot of money and anxiety. You are going to like it.

It is about the Opening Ceremony for the London Olympics 2012. China is a hard act to follow, with their massive fireworks and computer graphics &c. We are not going to be in the same league, and also, as a Conservative, you will be looking to reduce the budget deficit wherever possible.

So here is my very helpful suggestion. Forget fireworks, because the Chinese invented fireworks, along with paper, the hang glider and an Encyclopedia Britannica of other things) because any display that we put up will be a damp squib (excuse the pun) in comparison with their effort. Forget huge displays of synchronised dancers with flags, because the Chinese outnumber us by 1000:1, and also the British are not so easily dragooned into uniform activities.

We need an opening ceremony that is (a) quintessentially British, and (b) cheap as chips. I am sure that your desk is piled high with expensive consultant reports telling exactly the same thing.

Well, I have the answer that you have been searching for.
It is...(drum roll)

A State Opening of the Olympics
Yes, you heard me right. A State Opening of the Olympics. As in "State Opening of Parliament". As in Golden Carriage, HM the Q, waving, Prince Phillip, perhaps with a shotgun (not loaded), the Royal Family, Horse Guards, Bearskins, Busbies, the lot. The full Monty. People will love it. Tourists will love it - they cross the globe to see the Horse Guards, they buy postcards of horseguards by the tonne. (Sorry, ton). Boris, you cannot go wrong with this one. We have all the gear, the carriage, the horses, the Grenadiers, the lot. All packed neatly away in the Quartermaster's stores. Get them out, quick dust down, quick rehearsal, you're ready to roll.


And the beauty of it is - that's not all.

You can follow up the Royal Procession with a Demotic Procession of other exemplars of Britishness. The only limit is the imagination.  Pearly Kings, non-bendy London buses, you name it.  I can see a squad of football supporters, selected for the uniform rotundity of their beer belly, wearing Union flag t-shirts, or maybe stripped to the waist. They will be happy to do it for a few free cans. They could even be doing that trick where they get a plastic washing-up bowl to stick to their bellies, you must have seen that? Anyway, I leave the details to you, or rather, to your team.  The football hooligans fans could be followed by a bevy of bare-midriff young ladies, all half-cut, teetering on or carrying their high heels.


I hope I have given you enough of my vision here to whet your appetite for  a truly British, yet low-budget, State Opening of the Olympics.


Naturally, this proposal, to be truly valuable, needs to the subject of appropriate remuneration. "Nothing", as King Lear so rightly said, "comes of nothing". I am not a banker, not a greedy man, but neither am I a pushover. Let us take the £400,000 cost of the Lisa Simpson 2010 logo as a starting point for our negotiations.


I look forward to hearing from you.


Yours sincerely


(Dr) Richard Lawson


PS when are you going to do HIGNFY again? You were good.
PPS I noticed on my last visit, that despite Transport for London giving a ludicrous reason to block my "Keep Left on the Walkways" proposal, that Londoners are now indeed tending to walk on the left in the passages of the Underground, which is improving the flow of pedestrians immeasurably.

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[update 23 March
I have just received a nice letter from Lucy Brant, Public Liaison officer for the GLA. She says:
"You have clearly given the matter a great deal of thought and we thank you for sending us your suggestions. the London Organising committee for the Olympic and Paralympic games are the body responsible for the opening ...ceremonies and would be in a better position &c, suggest you contact them directly"


So I will. Watch this space.]