Monday, November 22, 2010

Pope / Condoms dilemma resolved by Mitral Valve Technology breakthrough

So the Pope has said it is OK for a male prostitute to wear a condom in pursuance of his trade in order to reduce the probability of the the spread of HIV.

From a medical point of view, this is welcome, but for Catholic theologians, it poses a problem of the thin end of the wedge kind. It could open the floodgates to use of condoms by the Catholic laity. not to mention paedophile priests and seminarians, who by implication could reasonably infer that, if they have HIV, or suspect that their victims might be so infected, they should also wear condoms in the course of buggering young lives entrusted to their care.

As an inventor, I can offer a technological solution to the knotty problem faced by their Holinesses, the moral theologians. In the case of a HIV negative husband with an HIV positive wife, the problem rests in the ability of sperm to escape and execute their divine purpose of impregating the partner, while preventing HIV infected fluids from passing backwards to infect the male urethra.

The solution is simple. They need a valve at the tip of the condom. This could be a simple affair, which could aptly be termed a Mitral Valve, which would allow fluids to pass out but not inwards. At its very simplest, the teat could be snipped off, which would produce a rough-and-ready one way valve, sufficient for the laity.

A more sophisticated valve for the well-to-do would require a small battery driven pump, which would be activated by specific chemicals, probably prostaglandins. It would pump out the sperm into the fornix while preventing any back flow.

Sceptics will undoubtedly scoff at the cost and practicality implications of this inventions, but sceptics will always scoff, that is what they do. The market opportunity is there and the Market will always provide. Nano technology could ensure that the presence of the pump would be barely noticable as a slight thickening on the end of the condom.

So with one bound, the Church is free to overcome the embarrassment that it has over the matter  matter of its blanket ban on condoms. The ban is necessary in order to ensure that the Catholic Church succeeds in out-growing the Muslims population of the world, who also oppose contraception, on the basis of the fact that the Prophet (pbuh) once expressed the hope to a pair of newly-weds that they would be blessed with many children.

The condom ban causes many hundreds of thousands of deaths from HIV wolrdwide, but now, thanks to Mitral Valve Technology, which I offer free of any patent claims, the Catholic population numbers can continue to increase exponentially, without being eroded by a similar increase in HIV deaths.

As a post script, I must say that both God and Allah (Let us give them a collective name of GaA) do both move in mysterious ways. If it is unnatural and against the will of GaA to use contraception, it must be in the will of GaA for the human species' population numbers to increase exponentially.

Every skuleboy kno it is impossible to increase exponentially forever in a finite space. It is therefore the will of GaA that the end of human history to end in war: war for lebensraum, for resources like coal, oil, gas, arable land and places to live. In the course of these wars, killing, murder, torture and rape will take place, all in line with the will of GaA.  Which is a bit weird, considering that same gods (or Original Being, if you are some kind of liberal) express the desire elsewhere to treat others as you would have them treat you.

So there's another little consequent knot for the theologians to mull over for a few decades.


Anonymous said...

I like God

I like Allah too

But which one is best?

There's only one way to find out...


DocRichard said...

I know.
The alternative is for the leaders of the Abrahamic religions to meet (and there's a problem already, because Islam doesnt have leaders) for 24 hours of fasting to contemplate the q "Do the words, God, Allah and YHVH refer to 3 different entities or one entity with 3 different names?

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